The Hobbit and the Detective
by feanorsnemesis
Summary: When Bilbo Baggins went to steal gold from a dragon, he found that the dragon wasn't quite what he had expected. To be fair, he wasn't what the dragon had predicted either.
1. First Sight

Bilbo crept down the passage, staying close to the walls and moving as quietly as possible. Hobbits can move stealthily when the need arises, and Bilbo's footfalls were completely silent, even in the dark echoing passages that riddled the interior of the mountain and seemed to amplify every sound. The same could not be said for the dwarves, however; even when he had descended far into the bowels of the mountain, Bilbo still heard the faint echoes of dwarvish laughter drifting down the curving passageway

In actuality, Bilbo had to admit he was a bit worried of facing the dragon. In fact, he was beginning to wonder why for Manwe's sake he had ever left his snug little hobbit hole, far away across the misty mountains. His waistcoat was tattered, he had gone ages without a decent six meals a day, and to cap it all off he was now heading out to rob a dragon who, apparently, had brought an entire dwarvish civilization to its knees. Bilbo, at this juncture, was not a happy hobbit.

As he descended, the passages became diffused with a faint reddish light. It wasn't the sort of warm and comfortable light that danced on Bilbo's walls when he settled down at the end of the day with a good book and a tallow candle. No, this light was vaguely menacing. It spoke of volcanoes and fires deep underground, and Bilbo began to feel really afraid. At first, his irritation at the dwarves had squashed any tremors of panic- after all they had been through together, it was rather unsportsmanlike of the them to sit high and dry in their cave while they sent him to face a terrifying monster. However, as the light grew more intense, Bilbo began to imagine its source- dragon fire, presumably. He wondered- dispassionately at first, and then not so dispassionately- what it would be like to be burned by a fire breathing dragon. Would he die immediately, burned to a crisp, or would he linger for hours in incredible pain? And, just as he was attempting to squash this happy thought, he heard a soft snoring noise coming from the end of the passageway.

It sounded like a cross between a growling dog and a warm pot bubbling on the stove and it was, undoubtedly, the most terrifying thing Bilbo had ever heard. The hobbit stopped in his tracks, frozen in terror. At this point, he almost turned around and went back up to the dwarves. Every other time he had done something bFrave on this utterly insane journey, he had been desperate- when that awful slimy creature had cornered him in the dark, or when the dwarves were spinning above his head, wrapped in spider silk and rendered unconscious by the awful venom. There had been no time for doubts, because Bilbo had needed all his wits to escape from the dangerous situations. This time, though, Bilbo could have turned around. He could have gone back to the dwarves and said that he refused to steal the dragon's gold, that it was an impossible task for a Shire hobbit, and then returned home to his nice little hobbit-hole with almost no consequences. But Bilbo, out of some vestigial Took stubbornness, refused to turn around. Breathing deeply, he tapped into an inner reserve of strength he hadn't known was there and continued stolidly down the passage.

At the end of the passageway, a small circle of light could be seen. Bilbo suspected that the dragon's lair was close, and was very glad that he had his ring on his finger. Even if the dragon somehow woke up, Bilbo would be invisible and should be able to slip away unobserved. This was rather cold comfort to poor Bilbo though, as he knew that dragon fire could harm him whether or not he was visible. He steeled himself and walked forward down the passageway.

The opening was five feet high, the same size as the rest of the passage, and the floor of the corridor was flush with the floor of the great cavern on the other side. Bilbo looked out of the opening and froze in wonder and amazement.

Before him, and sloping far above his head into blackness, lay an underground cavern. Although the dim light failed to penetrate far into the blackness, the vault somehow gave the impression of immensity, and Bilbo would not have been surprised if you told him that the space went on forever. A smooth sloping wall spread away from the opening of the cavern, fading into murkiness after about a hundred meters in either direction.

However, the thing that amazed Bilbo most was the dragon. Smaug lay curled up on a massive mound of treasure piled against the cavern wall. He was an enormous beast, with vicious spikes all down his back and tail. His reddish-gold scales seemed to exude their own light. The noise of his snores reverberated around the cavern, and two small plumes of smoke snaked up from his snout with each breath. Bilbo had seen pictures, of course, but nothing had prepared him for the vicious beauty of the dragon. Smaug stirred a bit in his sleep, and Bilbo caught a glimpse of him stomach from around his scales- the exposed flesh was covered with diamonds that shone in the light.

Then, of course, there was the treasure. Bilbo had never been a particularly greedy hobbit, and had signed on to the expedition more out of a wish to see the world (and get Gandalf to leave him alone) than out of any real desire for gold. He had never really understood the longing looks that appeared on the dwarves' faces whenever they spoke of their lost treasure, nor the way their hands seemed to clench reflexively at any mention of gold. He understood now. The mounds of burnished gold were so beautiful that Bilbo stared at them for a full minute before remembering where he was. The hobbit was filled with a desire he could not understand, an irrational desire for gold. He could almost understand how Smaug could have killed so many- this was a treasure worth fighting for, worth dying for.

There were goblets and diadems, suits of metal, and molded flowers, and also round nuggets of unworked gold lying on the floor. On the wall were hung gorgeous weapons- no less functional for their beauty, the sharp edges still shone after so many years of abandonment. There were also gemstones- emeralds the color of the deep woods, ruby necklaces, diamonds set into cups.

With difficulty, he wrenched his gaze away from the gold and looked at the floor to find a safe path over to where the dragon lay. Only then did he notice that some of the gold pieces lay in rather odd configurations. They seemed like deliberate shapes, but could form no pattern that he was aware of. There were maces and swords laid out on the floor connecting large nuggets of gold to form odd diagrams, which were labeled with letters scratched into the floor- H's and C's. On the other side of the wall, there was a small pile of worked gold pieces which seemed twisted and misshapen, as if they had been hurled at the walls at high speed.

One area of treasure was spotlessly organized, in stark contrast to the disheveled pile of treasure underneath the dragon. Jeweled vials and golden cups were arranged in neat rows, along with a few swords dripping strange liquids which hung from sticks attached to the wall. Bilbo crept up to the cups, curious to see what was inside. He had never been in a dragon's lair before, and, now that he thought about it, he was curious about what dragons did with their time.

He reached the area of the ordered gold, still walking soundlessly, and began to examine the contents of the cups. The goblet closest to him was empty except for a small pile of dirt. However, as he continued to walk along the row, he noticed that many of the containers contained human and animal remains in various stages of decomposition. One golden bowl contained a bloody sheep's head covered in maggots working busily away- the adjacent one had a nearly identical sheep's head doused in a strange greenish liquid. A human thumb lay inside a diamond chalice. Bilbo shuddered and began to feel very sick. He knew, of course, that dragons ate people, but he had never thought that a dragon would keep around the bodies of its meals for so long. Did seeing them slowly decompose give it a kind of perverse pleasure? Suddenly, the gold no longer seemed so enticing. Bilbo would have been very glad to get back home to Hobbiton, where people liked tea and crumpets and afternoon naps and didn't leave ovine heads lying around in perfectly serviceable golden goblets. Before, he had been excited about liberating the dragon of some portion of its treasure- now, he just wanted to get out of the cavern as fast as possible. He ran lightly back down the row of rotting flesh and, remembering his errand at the last moment, grabbed the goblet filled with dirt from the end of the row. Bilbo dumped the dirt onto the cavern floor and sprinted back to the tunnel entrance. As he neared the door, he turned to looks around, and he saw the dragon turning restlessly, and heard his rumbling snores grow weaker. Bilbo shuddered and fled off down the tunnel, trying not to imagine what his own head would look like lying in a goblet.


	2. Return

**A/N: You may have noticed that this is really based on the book. I have actually not seen the movie (I got bored after the first half hour) but I love the hobbit and LOTR and have tried to be as true to the book as possible.**

In retrospect, stealing the goblet from the dragon had probably not been the best idea. This thought came to Bilbo a few hours later, as he lay huddled in a dank and dripping cave with thirteen disgruntled dwarves. Sure, he had been engaged as a burglar… but obtaining a massive hoard of gold piece by piece wasn't very good time management. It was also rather pointless, given that the dwarves probably wouldn't leave until they had acquired all the treasure and the dragon was dead.

And Bilbo was beginning to realize that their chances of killing the dragon were slim at best. After the initial elation of his theft had worn off, he realized that thirteen dwarves and a hobbit (even if they could get the men of Lake Town on their side) were probably going to be useless against a dragon that had successfully destroyed a mountain stronghold and a prosperous town and devoured most of their people.

Then, of course, the actions of the dragon didn't leave Bilbo much home that their party would be able to safely slip away.

When Bilbo had first slipped out the door to the door onto the side of the mountain, the dwarves were congratulatory and overjoyed that he had found the dragon and escaped alive. They examined the goblet and Thorin began a few long-winded reminisces about when goblets such as that had graced his dining table. All seemed well, and Bilbo even began to entertain the hope that the dragon might not notice the missing goblet when he awoke. He should have known better.

When Bilbo was in the midst of describing the dragon's strange arrangement of the treasure, he heard a strange hissing noise from the depths of the mountain. This was followed by a truly massive roar that shook the entire mountain and sent small rocks cascading down its slope. Bilbo and the dwarves froze, waiting for something to follow- they didn't know what- but an ominous silence pervaded the mountain. No sound could be heard from the interior of the vast structure, and even the birds seemed to have stopped singing. The members of the company looked at each other nervously.

Suddenly, the loud roars redoubled, and the dragon ascended from the mountain with a great flapping of wings. He rose magnificently from the very highest peak, his wings spread so wide that they seemed to block the sun. His enormous tail came last, switching back and forth angrily, and it knocked a few boulders down the mountain as it slammed into the side.

Bilbo was the first to act and, had he not thought as quickly, they all would have been lost. The dwarves were stunned, staring at the dragon in wonder and horror, and Bilno was the first to recover his wits.

"Into the cave!" Bilbo screamed. "He will come looking for us. We must get away!"

Suddenly the dwarves erupted into action. Bifur and Bombur were still down with the ponies and stores on the rocks below, and the others had a difficult time pulling the two of them up on the long ropes. The dragon had begun circling the mountain, sometimes dipping low to the rock face and sometimes rising high above the slopes until he seemed only a dot in the sky. His continuous roars rang in Bilbo's ears, and once, from far away, he saw the dragon release a burst of brilliant flame which incinerated a few small trees and blackened a pile of boulders.

They had just managed to raise some of the stores of supplies when the dragon swooped down towards them, gliding on its massive wings, and the thirteen of them dashed madly for the entrance to the tunnel. They only just made it, for the moment after they were safely inside Bilbo felt an enormous shadow pass over the hillside, dimming the beam of light that came through the open door. A few seconds later, those inside heard the maddened shrieks of the stranded ponies and the sound of galloping hooves. These noises slowly faded into the distance, and when all was quiet Thorin spoke softly, as befitted the solemn occasion.

"The ponies are lost," he said gravely, "for nothing can escape Smaug when he sees it."

At this pronouncement, some of the dwarves began to panic.

"Oh, whatever shall we do?" moaned Fili, "How will we get away with the treasure when we don't have our ponies?"

"How will we get the treasure, more like?" grumbled Bifur, who was still shaking from his close call with the dragon. "Now that he knows we're here he'll be on his guard."

Immediately, the dwarves all began talking at once- some of them bemoaning their fate, some remonstrating with Bilbo for, as Thorin dramatically put it "bringing down the wrath of the dragon upon us", and some still talking excitedly about the treasure.

After a few minutes of this, Bilbo had had enough. "Be quiet!" he shouted, and all of the dwarves looked at him in surprise, for they had little suspected such a little hobbit to have such a loud voice.

"I was engaged as a burglar and I can hardly be blamed for doing my job, but I think we will have to change tactics if we propose to obtain the gold and defeat Smaug. The dragon knows we're here now, and there's nothing to be done about it, so we must make the best of this situation. I propose to go down tomorrow morning and try to find out more about Smaug. Every worm has his weak spot, as my father used to say, and I'm sure if I look closely enough I can find out where he is vulnerable. Perhaps I can also get more gold, which we can trade with the inhabitants of Lake Town for supplies."

The dwarves seemed to think this was a good idea, or at least the best thing any of them were liable to come up with. One by one, they apologized to Bilbo for their screaming, looking extremely abashed. Then they made a fire and began to cook themselves a hardy supper. Bilbo was still standing in the corner, already regretting what he had volunteered to do.

* * *

The next morning, Bilbo was creeping down the passageway again, wondering how he had managed to end up in this situation twice. He was less worried than the day before though, for this time he knew what to expect and he had a plan. He would peek in the entrance and, if the dragon was sleeping, cautiously enter and try to get a good look at its body. Even if the dragon woke, he would be invisible and would quietly exit into the passage. He would be in and out quickly, before the dragon even noticed he was there. It would have been a wonderful plan, had he not counted on the dragon having no sense of smell.

The way down was much like the day before, although this time Bilbo walked quickly and with more assurance. He again saw the fiery glow and heard the snores of the slumbering dragon. Arriving at the entrance to the cavern, he peered in and was met with the sight of a sleeping dragon. Bilbo waited silently for a few minutes, hardly daring to breathe, but the tempo of the dragon's snores did not change. Steeling himself, he set off across the cavern floor.

Bilbo walked softly, inching closer to the dragon. He hoped to get a good look at his face and underbelly, and possibly see if there were any spots that weren't covered by diamonds where the dragon could be attacked. The hair on the back of his neck began to prickle, but Bilbo ignored it- he was in a dragon's lair, it was natural to be nervous. Later, he would wish he had trusted his instincts.

As Bilbo passed the last of the goblets filled with unspeakable things (this time, he prudently avoided looking in), two things happened. The dragon's golden eyes flicked open and he somehow stared straight at Bilbo, despite that being impossible. Bilbo froze in place and tried not to make a sound. Then, the dragon's enormous tail lifted from where it was lying- how had Bilbo not noticed it was so close to him? - and shoved aside an enormous rock lying next to the door. The giant stone, twice Bilbo's height, covered the entryway entirely and slid into place with a resounding clang. Bilbo was trapped.

**A/N: Sorry this is so slow. I have been sticking really close to the book for the past two chapters, but next chapter I will get into some original territory. Don't worry- the rest of the story will not be much like the hobbit. **

**On a side note, please please please review. This is my first ff story, and, while I am not asking you to be gentle in your feedback, it would be really nice to know that someone was reading this and I am not just throwing it into the void that is the internet. If you hated it or just had a bad day, feel free to flame me, although I do prefer constructive criticism. Or if you want just me a pm with your thoughts. I love hearing from people.**


	3. Tea and Terror

**A/N: You may have noticed that I changed the description of this story. I am still planning on getting to that point, but it felt like false advertising to put events in the description that hadn't happened yet in the story. When I write more, I will replace the new description with the old one. So without further ado... enjoy!**

Bilbo turned his face to the dragon, who had twisted around and was now looking around the cavern with those enormous golden eyes. He felt a sudden surge of hope- maybe Smaug really couldn't see him and was only guessing where he was. If he moved quietly, he might be able to find some other exit and escape from the cavern.

The hobbit crept softly to the edge of one of the piles of gold, and had nearly turned the corner when the dragon's head jerked up and swiveled in his direction. Bilbo froze again, trying to avoid Smaug's gaze, and finally the dragon spoke. His voice was low and smooth, with a slight roar behind it. Normally, it would have sent shivers down Bilbo's spine, but today the words were much more terrifying than the voice itself.

"Take off the ring."

Bilbo froze for a full second before a cascade of doubts swept through his mind. How did Smaug know about his ring? Had someone him about Bilbo? Impossible- none of the dwarves would betray the company, and no one else but the men of Lake town knew he was here. And yet… he recalled Bifur's angry words the night before, and Oin's accusatory glare. Was it possible that one of the dwarves had told the dragon that he was coming down to the cavern again today? If so, how much did he know? Did he –no, it couldn't be possible- know Bilbo's name? That would truly be the end.

The dragon seemed to weary of waiting for Bilbo to do as he said, and let out what would, on a human, have been an exasperated sigh. With Smaug, however, the breath sent a plume of fire shooting to within five meters of Bilbo, who could not contain a small shriek.

Smaug looked- there was no other word for it- smug. "I know you're there, little creature. Your smell alone reveals your location like a searchlight, and if that wasn't enough I've heard you squeak twice since entering the room. Didn't do our homework on dragons before setting out to burgle one, did we? Now remove your ring before I eat you."

Still Bilbo hesitated. It was possible the dragon was only guessing where he was. If he took off the ring, he would be entirely at Smaug's mercy. Besides, wearing the ring felt comfortable, and for some strange reason he just didn't want to take it off.

After a few seconds the dragon's eyes narrowed, and, for the first time, he began to look really menacing. Smaug spoke again, this time in a tightly controlled snarl. "Yesterday, you contaminated an extremely important experiment and absconded with a particularly valuable goblet that belongs to me. I have absolutely no compunction whatsoever at roasting you alive, so remove your ring immediately or _I will burn you._"

Those last four words were said in a tone so menacing that Bilbo nearly began quivering in terror. Instead, his brain seemed to divide in two, as it had done at a few points during this ordeal. One part of him was calm and controlled, seeking out the best possible solution to his problem, while the other half of his brain indulged in a full blown panic attack.

From this perspective, it was obvious what he had to do. Without any further hesitation, Bilbo removed the ring and popped into view. Panicking Bilbo started screaming about what a terrible idea this was, and rational Bilbo told it to shut up.

The dragon's eyes immediately zeroed in on Bilbo. If there was one thing Bilbo knew about dragons, it was that you should never look them in the eye, so Bilbo looked down to avoid Smaug's gaze. Thus, he didn't see when the dragon's eyes narrowed and lips curved up into a cruel smile.

"What are you?" The dragon asked. "You aren't a dwarf- you don't smell like one, and the shape isn't right. I thought initially you were some strange kind of midget human, or possibly a child, but you're fully grown and anyway the physiognomy isn't right for a human. You've clearly come through Mirkwood and over the misty mountains, so presumably hail from Arnor or Eriador. You certainly aren't a Southerner- not with that skin tone and tanning pattern. You are a single man, used to comfort but suffering hardship in the last few months. You've fought orcs and spiders and possibly trolls, you've been carried somewhere by eagles, and you have in your possession a ring of-"

The dragon suddenly paused in his rapid monologue. "_Eagles…_" he breathed softly, and a puff of smoke spurted out of his mouth. "a gentleman, used to luxury but forced into an adventure, travelling by eagle. This is very interesting indeed."

Bilbo, meanwhile, had never been so shocked at anything in his life as by the strange behavior of this dragon. He had assumed the dragon would question him, perhaps taunt him a bit, and then proceed to kill him one way or another. (He had not been looking forward to this last stage in the process). Instead, Smaug had reeled out amazing amounts of personal information and proceeded to mutter about eagles. Was it possible for dragons to go insane? That would be just his luck, wouldn't it? Of all the dragons in the world to be cooped up with, he had to be trapped with the crazy one, who also seemed to be able to read minds at a glance. Oh, today was going swimmingly.

"No, I am not insane, and no, I can't read minds. Your thoughts are pathetically easy to read on your face. But this is beside the point. Tell me, strange midget creature, are you acquainted with a wizard by the name of Mithrandir?"

Bilbo should probably have been offended when the dragon called him 'strange midget creature'- really, he was quite tall for a hobbit, it all depended on your _perspective- _but he was more shocked by Smaug's words. Mithrandir? Wasn't that what Elrond had called Gandalf? But why would Smaug be interested in Gandalf? Bilbo decided not to tell Smaug anything- he didn't want to accidentally give away information about their group or put Gandalf in danger- but the dragon was already turning away from him triumphantly.

"You shouldn't try to hide information from me. It doesn't work."

Bilbo spoke for the first time. "O Smaug the tremendous, your wisdom and knowledge is truly astounding. Forgive my impertinence, but how can you be so all-knowing?"

The dragon's lips twisted into a smirk.

"I simply observe. And I'm flattered by the compliment, or would be if you were just trying to butter me up in the hopes that I won't eat you, or perhaps trick me into giving up information that will help you to defeat me. It won't work, and anyway, at the present moment, I am essentially invincible."

"I had heard that dragons were vulnerable on their undersides, Oh Smaug the all-consuming, but I must have been mistaken, for your grandeur is clearly unsurpassable."

"You certainly were mistaken, if you thought I would rise to a goad like that." Abruptly changing the subject, the dragon continued speaking. "You don't have to worry though, or at least not for the present. I was initially planning on eating you, but now I have a better use for you. You'll be staying here for a bit." The dragon motioned around the cavern with his wing. "Please, make yourself comfortable. Would you like anything to eat? Perhaps some raw sheep head?"

Bilbo shuddered, but was unable to suppress a slight groan of hunger. He had eaten breakfast with the dwarves, but they had been trying to conserve provisions and the food had been scanty. But the dragon acting as a bizarre parody of a host was really freaking him out.

Smaug sighed, again nearly singeing Bilbo's hair from his head. "I suppose I will have to get you something to eat, or you'll collapse and be of no use as a hostage. Pity." He said this last word in an utterly dispassionate tone, as if he were talking about the weather. "Will mutton do? What do annoying midget creatures eat anyway?"

Bilbo tried not to let Smaug's constant insults shake his calm. "Well, tea and biscuits would be preferable, but mutton will do in a pinch. But I will not eat a festering sheep's head. I have standards."

Bilbo suddenly froze as he realized his own impertinence. There was nothing so dangerous as being rude to a dragon, and things had been going swimmingly, too. Luckily, the dragon seemed to have zoned out on his last few sentences, instead concentrating on his first words.

"Tea?" The dragon said, and was that shock coloring his voice? "You know about tea?"

"Um… yes?" Bilbo offered, confused. Of course he knew about tea, why would Smaug even ask?

Smaug's gaze sharpened again. "Can you make tea?"

"Of course, everyone can make tea."

"No, in fact, not everyone can make tea. The moronic dwarves that lived here before I ate them didn't even know what it was. What do you need to make tea?"

Bilbo still didn't see where this was going, but he thought it best to play along.

"Um… water. Wild herbs would do in a pinch, I suppose, although domestic ones would be optimal. I need a kettle and cups- oh, and cream and sugar if there's any available."

"Can you recognize these wild herbs?"

"Yes. But-"

"Right, we're going out."

And before Bilbo realized what was happening, or parse what exactly the dragon meant by _we_, Smaug had snagged his shirt on a talon and flung him lightly into a large golden tureen (those bruises would hurt in the morning, assuming Bilbo was still alive). Then, in spite of Bilbo's shocked protestations, he grabbed the rim of the pot and slowly ascended out of the cavern, towing Bilbo along.

**A/N: So Bilbo finally talks to Smaug. What do you think? I kept accidentally typing John, and had to go back and replace each instance with Bilbo. Rest assured, though- Bilbo is ****_not _****a reincarnation of John, or anything like that. What do you think of Sherlock/Smaug?**

**On a side note, I do not know when I'll be updating. I am soon going on a month long whitewater canoe trip (!) and I don't know if I'll have a chance to post before I go. Oh, and please review, although, upon further consideration, I don't want you to flame me after all.**


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